I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
