what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
