Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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