I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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