did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
