why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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