I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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