Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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