Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You ate ashes out of my bong
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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