Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize