btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
