I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
