im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The best revenge is premature balding
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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