Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize