I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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