did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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