i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
