She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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