we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize