and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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