made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
