I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize