She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
