all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
