i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
