Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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