??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
