Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
