I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
handjob tips. give me some.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
