so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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