You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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