i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
