Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
