My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
