Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You were trust falling into bushes
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize