I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
