JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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