When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
