I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My vagina is officially offended.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
