I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He? As in you personified your dick?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
