I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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