My friends, they love my intelligence
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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