Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Randomize
