i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
