My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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