He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
