Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
