you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
