Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
