this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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