I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
