I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
