I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
