Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
