That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
