hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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