it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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