Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
