Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
