I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I love having hate sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize